Kyle and Stan: On Air
by Cartman Crapped Treasure
Summary: Kyle and Stan become SOuth Park Elementary's new morning announcers. They decide that they want to help out their fellow students with helpful dating advice with a multi-step system.
1. Step 1: Conversation

**I don't own South Park. :o( **

"Hi, I'm Kyle Broflovski, and this is my Super Best Friend, Stan Marsh." Kyle said as he introduced himself and his best friend.

"After reading the usual announcements the two of us are going to help you, the students of South Park Elementary, score the super-mega-hottie of your dreams in a multi-step system. And yes we have developed this system for people like you, Butters." Stan announced.

"Oh hamburgers," said Butters as he subconsciously rubbed his knuckles together. "if my parents knew that I-I c-couldn't sc-core a super-mega-hottie I-I'd be grounded for sure."

The students of South Park Elementary had chosen Stan and Kyle as Pip's replacements for the morning announcements, seeing as he as Cartman would say, "sucked ass." Most of Pip's announcements had been so bizarre and had no relevancy what-so-ever. Upon receiving the responsibility Stan and Kyle decided to have a little bit of fun with the announcements and add something like you would see on the TLC channel. At first they thought a cooking show would be cool, but you can't exactly cook in school (unless you were Chef.) It was at this point they decided a dating aide segment would be fun.

"Oh, this idea is simply splendid! Why couldn't I have come up with that?" asked Pip as he listened to Kyle and Stan go on with the actual announcements first.

"Because you're a stupid French piece of shit, that's why!" yelled Cartman in the classroom.

"Mister Garrison was seen leaving the _White Swallow Men's Bath-house _with Mister Mackey last night. Neither were available to comment on this." Kyle announced.

"And in conclusion some sort of dead animal was found in Eric Cartman's locker over the weekend. We asked him about this and his response was, _'Fuck off you stupid Jew-fags!'_"

"Quite the interesting story, Stan. Now for what you've all been waiting for. How To Score a Super-Mega-Hottie: Step 1." proceeded Kyle.

"Conversation is the key to sparking a new relationship." Began Stan. " Ask about a current event, such as _'Well, there don't seem to be too many Mecha Barbara Streisands trying to take over the town lately.'_"

"Try to avoid pick up lines that are way over done such as the classic, _'Nice pants. They'd look better on my bedroom floor.'_ Try something from a recent movie like, _'Can you tell me where the crapper is? I need to drop off some timber.'_" suggested Kyle to classrooms up roaring in laughter. "Being mysterious is also a huge benefit. You can use the previous line, but mystify it like, _'Can you tell me where the crapper is? I need to do something mysterious in there.'_"

"Great advice, Kyle, but jacking-off in the bathroom is no mystery. Isn't that right, Tweek?" Stan joshed. As he said so Tweek sunk down in his desk and started to freak out more than usual. "Ok, now back to how to get your hottie. Commenting on your future Super-Mega-Hottie's choice in fashion can also get your hottie to want you. Even if you think their outfit was probably handed down from their great-grandmother just look at them and say, _'That is a killer outfit!'_ This simple lie can easily spark a conversation."

"Thank you Stan for that insightful tip. This concludes today's announcements, tune in tomorrow for '_Step 2: Display Your Assets.' _You stay classy, South Park Elementary." Kyle concluded.

When the announcements ended and Stan and Kyle had to head to class they saw several kids from their school using the information they had just given out. Even the kindergarteners were trying to pick up the slightly older girls. As they rounded the corner they saw a very angry Eric Cartman waiting for them at their lockers. His arms were crossed against his chest, his eyes could have been mistaken for serial killers, and his eyebrows were at a sharp incline.

"What the hell were you two fags doing telling about what was found in my locker over the weekend?" asked Cartman.

Kyle retorted with, "We were just doing the announcements, fat ass."

"You don't know who you're fucking with, Broflovski. If I hear my name on that intercom for anything bad, so help me God, I will cut off both of you two's balls!" he shrieked and stormed off.

**I hope you liked it. Review?**


	2. Step 2: Display Your Assets

**I don't own South Park. :o( **

**Sorry it took so long to update. I wrote an extra-long chapter because of my tardiness for you. The formatting is off. I tried to fix it, but it wouldn't let me. Enjoy!**

Stan and Kyle were given the celebrity treatment by not only all of the girls at South Park Elementary, but the guys as well. Bebe became Kyle's assistant and naturally Wendy became Stan's. As they walked the halls, wearing shades, the sea of students parted for them just as the Red Sea had done for Moses back in the day. As they passed by compliments were given to them on their style and of course their rockin' advice.

"Ok, so Bebe I need you to line up an interview with Chef tomorrow morning so we can get some heads up as to what is for lunch for the rest of the week." Kyle informed Bebe as she wrote furiously in her notebook.

"Interview with Chef." she read what she was writing aloud. "Anything else, hot ass?" she asked batting her eyelashes.

"Yes, could you get some doughnuts tomorrow morning on your way in, doll?" Kyle took off his glasses and winked.

This forced a girlish giggle out of Bebe. "You got it, tutz."

"You're incredible, I'm glad I picked you as my assistant." he said as he leaned in and kissed Bebe's cheek, turning it into a beet-red shade.

As they continued walking Stan and Wendy also walked hand-in-hand while Stan listed off some things he needed her to get for him.

"Ok, so it's my grandpa's birthday tomorrow. Could you get a card that says _'Congratulations you old dinosaur!' _but in a nicer tone? Oh and I need my dry cleaning picked up." Stan rambled on.

"Uh, Stan," Wendy interrupted. "You don't have any dry cleaning."

"Just go along with it." Stan replied with his teeth clenched.

"Ok, dry cleaning. Check. You'd better get moving you're gonna be on soon."

Stan checked his Faux-lex and saw that he and Kyle were supposed to be on in less than five minutes.

"Come on, dude! We're on in five!" Stan yelled to Kyle.

"Ok, dude. Thanks for everything Bebe!" Kyle cried to Bebe as he and Stan sprinted down the hallways up to the office where they did the announcements.

"Stan and Kyle can we have one minute of your time?"

"Stan is it true that Eric Cartman threatened you at the end of yesterday's announcements?" were some of the things Stan and Kyle could hear over the pack of paparazzi that somehow formed overnight.

The pushed their way past them and rounded the corner into the office whilst being pursued by the relentless paparazzi. As they shut the door camera flashes were visible through the glass.

"Dude, now I know how it feels to be Britney Spears." Kyle joked.

"It sucks donkey balls. You ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be." said Kyle as they both got their mics from the office secretary, Mrs. Stern.

"Good morning South Park Cows, this is Stan Marsh broadcasting live from the office."

"And this is his co-host Kyle Broflovski. Will you all please stand for the Pledge of Allegiance."

Following the pledge the door burst open and the swarm of paparazzi burst in; each trying to get a shot of the two Super Best Friends at work. They were soon escorted out by Mr. Mackey. He returned to his office after shooting a glare at them for yesterday's comment about Mr. Garrison and him.

"Sorry about that brief interruption. Anyhoo, there is now proof that Eric Cartman's mom is a crack-whore in stead of just a whore. This was discovered when she posed for Crack-Whore magazine. She could not be reached for comment."

"Fascinating story, Stan. Our next story is along those same lines. Eric Cartman, residential fat-ass, has been dubbed obese by his doctor. Cartman claims to be big-boned, but according to his medical chart we "borrowed" from the doctor's office he is obese and at risk for Type Two Diabetes, not to be confused with Type One like what I have. Mine is genetic and I didn't get it from being a fat fuck."

"Intriguing story, Kyle. Now it's time for what you've all been waiting for, How to Score a Super Mega Hottie: Step Two."

"Step two is all about bringing your best assets to the table and showcasing them proudly. I for example have a great ass, so I'd want to draw attention to it."

"He does have a nice ass." Bebe said dreamily.

"Hell, I'd tap that ass!" yelled Kenny McKormick receiving giggles from his peers. "Don't deny it, Clyde, you would too."

"Guilty." said Clyde as he slumped into his chair.

"The classic Bend and Snap will work no matter what if you've got the goods for it. First you go up to sharpen your pencil, but on the way there you drop it. You then say some sort of cheesy line like, _' Oh dear, I've dropped my pencil! Let me just bend over to get it.' _You then bend down real slow, giving the person you are trying to attract a nice long glimpse and spring right back up. Be careful though injuries have been known to occur."

"Nicely put Kyle. Physical features aren't the only things you can bring to the table. Personalities will work just as good, unless you're an asshole, like Eric Cartman. Doing nice things for people like giving them small gifts and romantic notes work real well. Complimenting your significant other will also let them know you are a real charmer."

"Thanks for the insight, Stan. This concludes today's edition of you Cow-tacualar announcements. You stay classy South Park Elementary."

Stan and Kyle handed in their mics to Mrs. Stern and headed to class. While walking they were swarmed again by the South Park Elementary Paparazzi. They then sprinted and took their seats next to each other. Both had several notes from girls in the class asking them out. One of them stood out the most seeing as it was on red construction paper. Drawn on it was one stick figure with a gun, shooting two other stick figures. Down below it read: _"This is your last warning. Say anything else and so help me God, I will kill both of you!"_ Stan and Kyle looked at each other with nervous glances and went back to practicing their cursive.

While practicing Kyle got a tap on his shoulder, turned around, and was given a note from Bebe Stevens. He opened it and it read, _"Do you wanna bend over for me and show me your hot ass."_ Kyle laughed and wrote back to her and drew two stick figures. One was a girl with crazy curly hair and the other was a boy with crazy curly hair bent over with an arrow pointing to his butt labeled _"Hot Ass"_

Bebe opened up the note and stifled a laugh. She replied and handed the note back to Kyle. He opened it up again. _"Meet me under the slide at recess." _Kyle turned around and smiled at her.

The bell rang and the children screamed with joy as they were let out for recess. Stan walked between Kyle and Wendy talking to both of them.

"You wanna play football?" asked Stan.

"No thanks, dude. How about tomorrow?" replied Kyle.

"Later, dude."

Kyle walked over to his destination, under the slide. He approached the slide and went under it, finding Bebe already there.

"I was worried you wouldn't come." she said nervously.

"There's been something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time."

"I like you." they said in unison.

"So do you wanna be my girlfriend?" asked Kyle shyly.

"Only if you wanna be my boyfriend." she replied.

They then shared a kiss and came out from underneath the slide hand in hand, showcasing their newly-found love to all of the children on the playground. They received all sorts of different stares ranging from adoration to jealousy. The bell rang and all the children slowly migrated back into the school. Kyle and Bebe did so too; hand-in-hand.

Once class had started, and until the end Kyle and Bebe passed each other notes varying from romantic to humorous. Stan soon caught onto this and passed Kyle a note. Kyle opened it and it read, _"Dude, are you and Bebe going out?" _Kyle replied and handed the note back to Stan.

Stan read the note that confirmed what he had just asked Kyle. He was furious, so he wrote a very nasty reply back.

_"Some Super Best Friend you are. Why didn't you tell me you liked her? I told you when I liked Wendy. You could have at least told me before you asked her out. I should have known before everyone else and shouldn't have had to find out based on you writing each other fucking love letters."_

Kyle received the letter, read it and glared at Stan. He scribbled his reply with fury and handed it back.

_"Dude, you don't need to be such a pussy about this. It kinda just happened, ok? And you didn't tell me when you like Wendy. I found it out on my own when you brought her to my house and I found you two making-out in my room. Stop being such a fucking hypocrite!"_ Kyle and Stan spent the rest of class shooting each other daggers. Kyle and Bebe continued to pass each other love notes until the bell rang. When it did Stan and Kyle ignored one another and walked past each other. Kyle took Bebe's hand and Stan took Wendy's.

**So what did you think? I think I got Carpel Tunnel from this. Just kidding.**


	3. All's Well, That Ends Well

The next day was a very awkward one. Stan and Kyle still hadn't spoken to each other since yesterday's incident. Since they weren't talking it made it very hard for Wendy and Bebe to talk as well seeing as they were in the crossfire. The two sets of best friends migrated to opposite corners of the cafeteria to talk with their significant others.

"Can you believe what an asshole Stan is being to me?" Kyle asked Bebe.

"You should have just told him." she sighed.

"You know what Bebe, I don't know if this relationship is going to work. It's all based on physical attraction."

"No! Don't say it Kyle, please!"

"I think we need to take a break. We don't even share the same opinions"

"How do you know?! We've only been together for a day!" she shrieked, causing the attention of the entire cafeteria to toward them.

"Look, Babe, I think you knew as well as I did that this wouldn't work out. It was a good run, but I need a girl who can handle the high-profile life I lead here, at South Park Elementary. It was fun while it lasted."

Bebe ran off crying to the girls' bathroom and was soon accompanied by Wendy who came from the opposite side of the cafeteria. Stan began to march over to Kyle to have a quick word with him

"What the hell are you doing, Kyle?!"

"Now that I'm a celebrity around here I need a girlfriend who is at my level, not sub-par."

"What's gotten into you?! You were crazy for her yesterday."

"I was also crazy for pizza yesterday, but I'm wanting a burrito today. Times change."

"You're unbelievable! I quit the show, you can do it by yourself. I won't take part in this." Stan stormed off.

"You already have, Stan." Stan froze upon Kyle saying this. "The show is called How to Score a Super Mega Hottie, not How to Meet the Person of Your Dreams. These relationships were never supposed to last more than a day. You're supposed to bang 'em and cast them aside."

Stan stopped immediately upon hearing this and slowly turned back towards Kyle and walked up to him.

"You lied to me, Kyle! You said I'd be helping people get with the person they wanted to be with, not let's go out for a day and cast the you away like last night's steak dinner. I thought I was making a difference!"

"I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, but it is what it is, and if you can't take the heat, then get the hell out of the kitchen!" Kyle snapped

"You're a real asshole, you know that?! You've changed Kyle, if the old you saw what you've become he would be disgusted! Don't talk to me, we aren't friends anymore, dude"

"Fine, I don't need you! I can easily replace you!" Kyle yelled as Stan exited the cafeteria, giving Kyle the middle finger. "Where is my fucking Perrier?!"

"Um Kyle can I have a word with you, m'kay?" asked Mister Mackey.

"Make it quick I have to find a replacement for Stan before the show today." Kyle hissed.

"That's actually what I'm here for m'kay. Your stories have been highly inappropriate and that dating segment of yours… it's bad m'kay."

"So what are you saying Mackey? You want me, the host of this school's most successful announcement show to leave? Ha, I'll have some of whatever you're smoking." laughed Kyle

"No, it's already official. Eric Cartman and Butters Stotch are the new announcers starting today." Mister Mackey said as he sauntered away

"You have got to be kidding me! That show is nothing without me, you hear me nothing!" Kyle shrieked as he hit his fist against the table repeatedly.

"Sounds like you've been having a really bad day." a voice said from the Shadows of South Park Elementary's Cafeteria. "I have something that can make it all go away."

"Leave me the fuck alone." snapped Kyle.

"Just one hit of this, and all of your problems will go away. I'll even let you try a free sample." said the kids as he sprinkled a line of purple powder on the lunch table. "Just plug one of your nostrils and sniff really hard at it."

Kyle stared at it momentarily and really considered it for awhile. Either A he snorts it and nothing happens, no loss there, or B he snorts it and it's the most amazing experience of his nine-year-old life. Kyle leaned forward over the powder, put his index finger on his right nostril and inhaled the grape-scented powder with his left nostril. It burned momentarily, but after that he felt incredible. Everything was in a super-sharp clarity like he had never seen before, the room span as he just sat there.

"So, how many tubes can I put you down for?"

"I'll take six." said Kyle as he held up five fingers.

"Ok, then that will be six dollars." he said as Kyle handed him the money. "Okay, have a nice day."

Kyle looked at what was in his hand and was super excited. As he stared he thought about what he would do with all six tubes. He could space it out during the entire day, or he could do them all at once and get super messed up. His thought process was interrupted as a boy in an orange parka approached him.

"What the fuck is this?" asked Kenny.

"Just leave me alone Kenny. You wouldn't understand, with your simple life and all."

"Simple life? Do you think coming home to a drunken mother and father everyday is a simple life? Do you think looking forward to Toaster Waffle Fridays is a simple life? I don't think so, Kyle." cried Kenny.

"Do you want one?" asked Kyle as he handed a tube to Kenny.

Kenny made a quick line with the red-colored powder and snorted it hastily as the cherry scent quickly met his brain receptors with a sting in his nostrils.

"How much did you pay for this?" asked Kenny

"Six dollars for all of them, why?"

"You got ripped off. This is nothing, but Pixi Stix."

"Goddamn it!" yelled Kyle.

**I fail soooooo epically for not updating sooner. Haha, so in eigth grade the big thing at school was snorting Pixi Stix, I thought it fit in quite nicely here**


End file.
